Monday, March 14, 2011

'Twitter Fakes' Fantasy Draft Results

Eight fake Twitter personalities convened in a fantasy baseball draft this past week, and while you won't see it on a reality TV series (although that's not a bad idea), you can follow the draft highlights below.  We'd release the draft chat transcript but redacting Old Hoss Radbourn's profanity-laced tirades pretty much made it unreadable.

Charles 'Old Hoss' Radbourn

What can you say about Charles 'Old Hoss' Radbourn that he hasn't already said about himself?  Herculean pitcher for the Providence Grays, master of debauchery, lover of name it and Old Hoss claims to have mastered it.  It will interesting to see how long he goes before petitioning (bludgeoning) the league to become a player/manager.


True to form, Old Hoss showed up and immediately demanded everyone remove their pommel bag holster.  Obviously Old Hoss is new to how this fantasy stuff works but it was clear early on there were trust issues.  But the one thing he did trust were players who have his same penchant for the the hard stuff, and I'm not talking about fastballs.  Old Hoss made it a point to announce that no one was to touch 'the tainted ones', and so he was able to pick up Cabrera and Hamilton without any problem.  After that is where Old Hoss ran into issues.  He loved the Halladay pick, as he said Halladay was the only player that came close to matching is skills.  From then on all we saw on the chat scroll was 'Bahhhhhh', 'Who the hell is this guy?', and 'Ha! Charlie Sweeney still hasn't been drafted!". 

8Miguel Cabrera, Det 1B
9Roy Halladay, Phi SP
24Josh Hamilton, Tex OF
25Ryan Zimmerman, Was 3B
40Andrew McCutchen, Pit OF
41Clayton Kershaw, LAD SP
56Derek Jeter, NYY SS
57Rickie Weeks, Mil 2B
72Mike Stanton, Fla OF
73Mat Latos, SD SP
88Joakim Soria, KC RP
89Francisco Liriano, Min SP
104Curtis Granderson, NYY OF
105Carlos Quentin, CWS OF
120Aaron Hill, Tor 2B
121Pablo Sandoval, SF 3B
136Geovany Soto, ChC C
137Andrew Bailey, Oak RP
152Colby Lewis, Tex SP
153Huston Street, Col RP
168Rajai Davis, Tor OF
169Matt Thornton, CWS RP
184Daniel Bard, Bos RP
185Chris Sale, CWS RP
200Mark Prior, NYY SP

Fake Dayton Moore

Ahhh, my nemesis, KC Royals GM and former Atlanta Braves assistant GM.  Or was it assistant to the GM?  Regardless, he's also known as Jeff Francoeur's BFF, which will get you a long way at Parkview High School.  Fake Dayton continues his journey to fill his 25 man roster with all ex-Brave players, the question is, will he continue the trend in fantasy baseball?


I figured this might happen.  Fake Dayton didn't show and was put on auto-draft, which some might say, isn't the first time he hasn't showed up for a draft.  Personally I don't think he wanted to relive our early drafts together with the Braves when my suggestions were used much more than his.  That wasn't easy for the former assistant to the GM to take, then or now.  To his credit though, we did find out that he had a prior obligation.  He was busy settling a 'who's in the best shape of their life' argument between Frenchy and Melky Cabrera.  Regardless, Fake Dayton pulls a 'Homer'and auto-drafts a solid team highlighted by Pujols & CarGo...and filled his ex-Braves quota with Adam LaRoche.

1Albert Pujols, StL 1B
16Joey Votto, Cin 1B
17Carlos Gonzalez, Col OF
32Nelson Cruz, Tex OF
33Dustin Pedroia, Bos 2B
48Justin Upton, Ari OF
49Adrian Beltre, Tex 3B
64Chris Carpenter, StL SP
65Jacoby Ellsbury, Bos OF
80Justin Morneau, Min 1B
81Matt Cain, SF SP
96Corey Hart, Mil OF
97Ben Zobrist, TB 2B
112Max Scherzer, Det SP
113Wandy Rodriguez, Hou SP
128Francisco Rodriguez, NYM RP
129Joe Nathan, Min RP
144Brett Anderson, Oak SP
145Hiroki Kuroda, LAD SP
160Rafael Furcal, LAD SS
161Adam LaRoche, Was 1B
176Vladimir Guerrero, Bal DH
177Carlos Pena, ChC 1B
192Mike Napoli, Tex C
193Madison Bumgarner, SF SP

Fan Since '09

If we happen to get banned from ESPN Fantasy Baseball, you can bet it is @fansince09's fault.  If you don't already know, 'Coal' Hammels is what is wrong with the Phillies...and baseball.  And if you can't find 'Coal' Hammels, its because he's probably at a Justin Bieber concert.


'09 stayed away from Coal Hammels but did his best to draft every other Phillie.  He even got a little trigger happy and took J.A. Happ with his 3rd round pick.  The most overused phrase of the night 'Shoulda kept Jayson Werth...Shoulda kept Brett Myers' should have been changed to 'Shoulda drafted Happ a little later'.  Luckily '09 didn't get banned and was able to hang on to draft Ben Francisco with his last pick ('Shoulda kept Werth!).

2Cliff Lee, Phi SP
15Matt Holliday, StL OF
18J.A. Happ, Hou SP
31Ryan Howard, Phi 1B
34Jayson Werth, Was OF
47Victor Martinez, Det C
50Tommy Hanson, Atl SP
63Michael Young, Tex 3B
66Jimmy Rollins, Phi SS
79Heath Bell, SD RP
82Roy Oswalt, Phi SP
95Chris Young, Ari OF
98Paul Konerko, CWS 1B
111Manny Ramirez, TB OF
114Chone Figgins, Sea 2B
127Brett Myers, Hou SP
130Howard Kendrick, LAA 2B
143J.D. Drew, Bos OF
146Placido Polanco, Phi 3B
159Chad Durbin, Cle RP
162Wilson Valdez, Phi SS
175Rafael Soriano, NYY RP
178David Eckstein, SD 2B
191Johnny Cueto, Cin SP
194Ben Francisco, Phi OF

Fake Cito Gaston

When he is not pimping the Blue Jays bat boys, or sucking up to Alex Anthopoulos, Clarence 'Cito' Gaston likes to interject his 'You kids better get off my lawn' mentality to anyone that will listen.  Clearly the guy can still manage, but can he manage players not reliant on Canada's free health care?  We will see in fantasy league.


The soft-spoken Fake Cito seemed to enjoy playing manager again.  He often interjected quips about this 'kid' and that 'kid'.  Not sure if Fake Cito got enough offense in the draft, but one thing is certain, if you need to trade for a pitcher, you are going to have to go through Fake Cito, who will more than likely tell you 'That kid is going to cost you.'.

7Adrian Gonzalez, Bos 1B
10Troy Tulowitzki, Col SS
23Alex Rodriguez, NYY 3B
26Joe Mauer, Min C
39Ian Kinsler, Tex 2B
42Jose Bautista, Tor 3B
55Ubaldo Jimenez, Col SP
58Cole Hamels, Phi SP
71Zack Greinke, Mil SP
74Shane Victorino, Phi OF
87Mariano Rivera, NYY RP
90Neftali Feliz, Tex RP
103Chad Billingsley, LAD SP
106Clay Buchholz, Bos SP
119Brett Gardner, NYY OF
122Shaun Marcum, Mil SP
135J.J. Putz, Ari RP
138Nick Markakis, Bal OF
151Ian Desmond, Was SS
154Travis Snider, Tor OF
167Carlos Lee, Hou OF
170Miguel Montero, Ari C
183Neil Walker, Pit 2B
186Sean Rodriguez, TB 2B
199Ricky Romero, Tor SP

Fake Fred Wilpon

Mets owner and the one probably responsible for the cavernous OF at Citi Field, Fake Fred struggles daily with taking a haircut on the Ollie Perez contract.  Or was it the Jason Bay contract?  No wait, it was the Carlos Beltran contract.  Anyway, he's bound and determined to exonerate himself from the slings and arrows that come with either being a partner with Bernie Madoff, or being a victim of Bernie Madoff.  The verdict is still out.  At least in fantasy baseball, Fake Fred can't blame it on the money...unless he drafts Ollie Perez.


Word began to circulate that Fake Fred wasn't sure if he was going to make it, however, once we assured him the game was free, he quickly logged on.  And then logged off, and then on again.  Apparently, his 56k AOL dial-up was acting up, and since he had dialed in on a long distance number, he was constantly trying to get people to make their picks as quickly as possible.  Shallow pockets and limited connectivity were enough to keep Fake Fred from drafting Ollie Perez this time around, and to his credit he drafted a very good team.  Makes you wonder if he would have done better than Omar Minaya all these years.

3Hanley Ramirez, Fla SS
14David Wright, NYM 3B
19Kevin Youkilis, Bos 1B
30Jon Lester, Bos SP
35CC Sabathia, NYY SP
46Alex Rios, CWS OF
51Brandon Phillips, Cin 2B
62Andre Ethier, LAD OF
67B.J. Upton, TB OF
78Yovani Gallardo, Mil SP
83Carlos Marmol, ChC RP
94Jonathan Papelbon, Bos RP
99Matt Wieters, Bal C
110Torii Hunter, LAA OF
115Jonathan Sanchez, SF SP
126Ted Lilly, LAD SP
131Angel Pagan, NYM OF
142John Axford, Mil RP
147Bobby Abreu, LAA OF
158Francisco Cordero, Cin RP
163Ian Stewart, Col 3B
174Starlin Castro, ChC SS
179Phil Hughes, NYY SP
190Jason Bay, NYM OF
195Mark Reynolds, Bal 3B

Dodgers GM

He's not Ned Colletti, but he tweets like him.  And trouble for him if he trades or drafts like him.  Dodgers GM will do his best to fill his roster with SF Giants, and as much as he tries, divorce is not an excuse for failure in fantasy baseball.


Never let it be said that Ned Colletti doesn't get his man.  Yes, he finally got Aubrey Huff!  Everyone expected the Dodgers GM to stockpile SF Giants but Huff was the only rival he drafted.  We aren't sure which ownership group had Ned's ear that night but it's quite possible that he decided to go it alone and not take any sides advice.  Hmmm, that seems like a decent idea that I am sure will not carry over to the 2011 season.  Fantasy baseball....enjoy it Ned!

4Evan Longoria, TB 3B
13Robinson Cano, NYY 2B
20Matt Kemp, LAD OF
29Prince Fielder, Mil 1B
36Shin-Soo Choo, Cle OF
45Jose Reyes, NYM SS
52Hunter Pence, Hou OF
61Dan Haren, LAA SP
68Kendry Morales, LAA 1B
77Jay Bruce, Cin OF
84Carlos Santana, Cle C
93Billy Butler, KC 1B
100Stephen Drew, Ari SS
109Adam Lind, Tor DH
116Aubrey Huff, SF 1B
125Matt Garza, ChC SP
132Daniel Hudson, Ari SP
141Jeremy Hellickson, TB SP
148Brandon Morrow, Tor SP
157Jhoulys Chacin, Col SP
164Trevor Cahill, Oak SP
173Jose Valverde, Det RP
180Craig Kimbrel, Atl RP
189Brad Lidge, Phi RP
196Frank Francisco, Tor RP

Very Fake Bleacher Report

Master speller and Bleacher Report aficionado, Very Fake Bleacher Report is the king of the slidshow. Or is it Slideshw? Regardless, if it can described in 29 pictures and less than 2 paragraphs, he can pull it off. Dyslexic or just cruel?  You make the call.


Yes, the rumors are true.  Very Fake Bleacher Report tried to turn in his pics via slidshow.  Old Hoss wouldn't have any of that, making him hand pick each of his pics.  VFBR made a small reach with his first pick and took John Smoltz, claiming that a first ballot Hall of Famer deserved to be taken first.  From then on he drafted a very respectable team.  Expect total slidshow coverage soon.

6John Smoltz, FA SP
11Ryan Braun, Mil OF
22Tim Lincecum, SF SP
27Jeremy Papelbon, FA RP
38Adam Dunn, CWS 1B
43Ichiro Suzuki, Sea OF
54Brian McCann, Atl C
59Chase Utley, Phi 2B
70Jered Weaver, LAA SP
75Brian Wilson, SF RP
86Elvis Andrus, Tex SS
91Aramis Ramirez, ChC 3B
102Delmon Young, Min OF
107Michael Bourn, Hou OF
118Colby Rasmus, StL OF
123Drew Stubbs, Cin OF
134Gordon Beckham, CWS 2B
139Juan Pierre, CWS OF
150Pedro Alvarez, Pit 3B
155John Danks, CWS SP
166Chris Perez, Cle RP
171Brian Roberts, Bal 2B
182Ricky Nolasco, Fla SP
187Derrek Lee, Bal 1B
198Ryan Dempster, ChC SP

Faux Frank Wren


Yours truly and the faux GM of the Atlanta Braves.  Often found operating in the shadows, especially the large one cast by John Schuerholz.  I have been known to rock a mean pastel v-neck sweater and enjoy berating Nate McLouth for spending too much time in Chuck-E-Cheese.  If I make a bad trade in fantasy league you can bet it was Paul Kinzer's fault.


I stuck to my guns and picked those I was most familiar with...Braves,  ex-Braves, and a supposedly retired Brave.  I took a few reaches on some current Braves just so I could prove their value, and mine as GM.  And since Fake Dayton wasn't around to poach the available Braves, it was fairly smooth sailing...until I had to draft my wife's third cousin, Buster Posey, over Brian McCann.  Might not do me good around the clubhouse but it makes the home life much easier.  And since he hasn't turned in his retirement papers, I chose Billy Wagner, just to show that he is not only messing with our roster, but that he is also messing up fantasy rosters.  That is unless Craig Kimbrell puts it in the tank early and that 6.5m option is enough to lure Wags off the alpaca farm.  Then I will look like even more of a genius and move further out of the shadow of John Schuerholz.

5Carl Crawford, Bos OF  
12Jason Heyward, Atl OF  
21Felix Hernandez, Sea SP  
28Mark Teixeira, NYY 1B  
37Dan Uggla, Atl 2B  
44Buster Posey, SF C  
53Justin Verlander, Det SP  
60David Price, TB SP  
69Josh Johnson, Fla SP  
76Martin Prado, Atl 2B  
85Kelly Johnson, Ari 2B  
92Alexei Ramirez, CWS SS  
101Casey McGehee, Mil 3B  
108Vernon Wells, LAA OF  
117Jonathan Broxton, LAD RP  
124Tim Hudson, Atl SP  
133Nick Swisher, NYY OF  
140David Ortiz, Bos DH  
149Chipper Jones, Atl 3B  
156Adam Jones, Bal OF  
165Drew Storen, Was RP  
172Gaby Sanchez, Fla 1B  
181Ryan Franklin, StL RP  
188Josh Beckett, Bos SP  
197Billy Wagner, Atl RP  

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